Moving Away From Family: 6 Ways To Overcome Guilt, Anxiety, And Loneliness
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Moving away from family has been one of the most tough decisions I have ever made. It’s been almost 9 years since I pulled a trigger and moved abroad, yet it hasn’t got any easier.
It doesn’t get easier with time. Nor with every visit or goodbye. It’s hard every damn time.
I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time yet I didn’t know how to do that. Every time I sit down to write it, I end up reminiscing, thinking how my life would look like if I hadn’t moved away from my family, and crying. Or procrastinating. Scrolling through social media.
Basically, doing everything but getting vulnerable and confronting my feelings and emotions.
Moving Away From Family: My Story
Moving away from home was my dream since I was a teenager. I come from a toxic family, so staying close to them was never my goal. I had many ideas, with the most sensible one being studying in a different part of the country, but my parents manipulated me out from doing it.
Year after graduating high school, I met a guy and moved away from family to live with him. Abroad. In a country I’ve never been to before, where I had no one else except for him.
But it didn’t matter. All that mattered to me at that time was the fact that I was finally free. That I was such an adult, living with my boyfriend without parental supervision.
Because yes, I truly believed that moving away from family is something that will fix all my problems. I didn’t know that it won’t fix trauma. That I’d keep feeling stuck in a pattern of needing to please my parents even years after moving away.
I didn’t know that they’d keep parentifying me for years to come. Or that I would feel controlled by them in so many ways. It took me ages to feel confident enough to leave the house on my own! And it still feels weird not being controlled, told when I need to get back, or where I can or can’t go.
Moving Away From Family: Guilt
Still, even after almost 9 years, I have severe moving away from family guilt sometimes. I know I made the best decision, but there are moments when guilt overwhelms me.
Usually, it’s when I find out that someone got married. Had a baby. Or during Christmas, when I know everyone gathers to spend it together, and we’re here all alone.
It’s silly, I know. I have no guarantee that anyone would invite me to any events even if I stayed in my hometown. Well, probably they wouldn’t. Unless I kept people-pleasing and being a perfect daughter, my parents always required.
It doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I depraved my daughter of knowing how it feels to have a big family and having someone to spend holidays with or celebrate important life events.
Moving Away From Family: Grief
I know that moving away means missing a lot of things in my family’s or friends’ lives. I fully accepted that when I moved. However, I didn’t expect to lose all those friends after moving away from family. Just as I didn’t expect that my family would cut ties with me, including people I thought I was close to.
That doesn’t make it any easier when important things happen, and I’m not there.
Moving away from family gave me a fresh perspective to look at my life and relationship I had with my family. I became more receptive to the fact that it might not be as perfect as I always believed and tried to make it be.
Last year was the most difficult of them all, having to grieve people that are still alive, yet decided that they didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I stopped trying to stay in touch with them, and surprisingly, they haven’t tried to reach out even once.
To add salt to the injury, I had to go no contact with my parents, after another manipulation stunt they pulled on me, that led to drastically worsening depression.
Grieving relationships I wish I had with all of them has been extremely difficult and after almost a year, I still struggle with it. I keep wanting to reach out to them, and sometimes, regrettably, I do that. I keep wanting my daughter to meet them and know that in theory she has extended family. To be included in family celebrations, even though I know it’s a one-sided “dream”.
I keep wanting to belong somewhere I don’t.
It gets easier with time, but it doesn’t change as much as I would like it to. There is still lots of inner work left to be done before I’ll finally feel completely free of grief and guilt.
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Moving Away From Family: Not Everything Is As Bad As It Might Seem Like
Moving away from family is hard. Living abroad on your own is probably even more difficult, especially once you have kids. I don’t regret it even one bit.
I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity to move abroad, however reckless it was. I wouldn’t visit so many amazing places, live by the sea, or have my own little business if I stayed in my hometown.
Moving away from family gave me more than it took, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the life I have now.
6 Tips That Helped Me To Deal With Moving Away From Family
Book A Trip Back Home Soon
I visited my family 3 months after I moved away, and it was definitely something I looked forward to. I’ve made some arrangements, planned a trip with friends and family, and spent lots of quality time with all of them. Having a solid plan of action made a huge difference.
It’s a lot easier to survive the first couple of weeks knowing that you’ll visit your family soon. Talk it through with people you want to visit, make plans, get excited!
And if you can’t afford to visit your family right now… call them. Keep in touch regularly, be in each other lives as much as possible. You’ll see each other soon, I know it!
Moving Away From Family ≠ Goodbye
Moving away from family puts a physical distance between you and everyone you know. It doesn’t mean this is the end of the relationship between you! Living farther apart doesn’t mean that you won’t care or will forget about each other. Everyone will carry on with their lives, but you can still visit, write, and talk. Use social media to stay in touch with your friends, post photos, share details from your life.
Moving away from family isn’t the same as saying goodbye. Sadly, some relationships won’t survive. Your life changes suddenly, and you might not be relatable anymore.
I’ve lost many friends after moving away. It wasn’t convenient for them to keep me around because I wasn’t as available to spend time together as I used to be. Our lives and viewpoints have changed, and we started drifting apart.
Remember one important thing – moving away from family means saying goodbye only to people who weren’t REALLY in your life.
Keep Positive
Leave sad thoughts behind you and try to find some positive things about your new situation. Treat it as an adventure, get to know your new city, find places you love. Focus on WHY you moved away from family. Remember how you got to this place.
Be patient with yourself. You’re in a completely new situation, and it will take time to get used to it. Feeling sad, homesick and even guilty about moving away from family is normal. Don’t allow it to stop you from living your life.
It’s a great idea to keep a gratitude journal and write at least once a day. Practising gratitude will help you look for positive things during the day instead of focusing just on negatives.
Find Comfort
One of the best tips I can give you is to keep yourself busy. Find a new hobby, an exciting project to engage in, things to do around home. Keep your hands and mind occupied so you won’t have time to wallow and be sad.
Get your life back on track with a new routine. You can include elements from the past in it, for example eating dinner at the same time or spending your Sunday afternoon at the cafe. If you find falling back into your old habits makes you sad and nostalgic, stop right there! Reevaluate your situation and check what adjustments you can make to make yourself feel better, not worse.
In situations like this, it’s worth to have a journal with you. Writing down your thoughts might help you get past sad moments and build you up. Do it regularly and don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. Moving away from family IS hard. Analyse your thoughts without being judgemental and be open to positives.
Make A Memory Box With All Your Keepsakes In It
Before moving away from family, take time to collect all your keepsakes. Do you have family photos, favourite toys from your childhood, or other items that make you happy? Anytime you get homesick, they will serve you as a reminder of all the great time you spent with your family.
Don’t Avoid Any Occasions To Celebrate
Get involved in the local community, and take part in any events you might be invited to. Whether it’s your colleague’s wedding, sport event or invitation to join a club, accept them! They are great opportunities to make new friends and start feeling like you belong there. New experiences and activities help you elevate your mood and occupy your mind.
People you meet will never replace your family and friends back home. New relationships will help you feel less isolated and make your new place feel homey.
I know from experience that none of these tips is the ultimate solution for feeling homesick and wanting to go back home. Sometimes a little help is all it takes to feel better.
Is It Selfish To Move Away From Family?
No! Let me repeat that. You’re not selfish for moving away from family and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it either.
You’re allowed to create the life you want for yourself, even if that means that you won’t live next door to your parents anymore. It’s completely normal to want to have your own life and keep your family at a distance, especially if they’re toxic, and that’s the only way you feel comfortable with.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to travel, exploring different parts of the world, or simply looking for happiness and a place where you feel you belong. Moving away doesn’t mean the end of your relationship with family or friends, at least with those that are permanently in your life.
Is It Good To Live Away From Your Family?
Living away from your family can be good. You get to start fresh, in a new place, possibly in a different city or, like in my case, in a different country. Moving away from family can allow you to get to know yourself better and become fully independent.
Is Moving Away From Family Hard?
Moving away from family is hard, especially if you’ve never lived on your own before or have a child. It’s difficult to spend Christmas and other holidays away from your loved ones, miss important family events, or raise a child knowing that you don’t have a family to help you when you need it the most. You might not visit them as often as you’d like, which might lead you to experiencing mom guilt, because you feel you’d like your child to get to know your family and often that’s not possible.
Moving away from family and friends inevitably ends some relationships. No matter how hard you might try, it’s not something that you can always avoid.
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What To Do When You Regret Moving Away From Family?
It is very common to regret moving home or moving away from family. In fact, the former situation happened to me too. Just before the first lockdown started, we moved across the country to the city we knew only from our friend’s stories. It was supposed to be a great opportunity to improve our lives, find better jobs, live in a bigger house and closer to the sea. We started regretting moving there just a few weeks later.
Here are some things you can do when you regret moving away from family:
- Brain dump everything that makes you feel this way.
- Check if you can do anything to improve your situation.
- Talk to someone about it.
- Look at your situation from a different perspective.
- Make a list of pros and cons of staying in your current place vs. moving back. Talk it through, journal, and don’t make any sudden decisions.
- Remind yourself why you moved in the first place.
Moving Away From Family For The First Time
Moving away from family for the first time is difficult and full of uncertainty. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it! Before you move out of your family home, make sure that your reasons are solid, you’ve talked to your family about it, and that you can fully support yourself. There’s no better way to discover yourself, become fully independent and responsible than by living on your own.
Let me know in the comments section down below how you dealt with moving away from family. Do you have any tips worth sharing?
Moving Away From Family: Conclusion
Moving far away from family isn’t for everyone. I know how important can be to have your family next to you, their support, etc. But, the problem is that not everyone has that. Just as not everyone wants to stay in one place but discover the world and life in different countries. And that’s okay.
It’s your life and your choice. Do whatever feels best for you.
Rooting for you,
M.
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